my son’s on the verge of being eight and has completed a full year in a mainstreamed classroom.

my brother and his wife are a couple weeks away from having their first child together.

my dad’s made a lot of significant recovery and now only has to use oxygen when he sleeps at night.

my job’s interesting…sales leader now.  i have my own team and a truckload of responsibility, which i seem to handle pretty well.  C2C was definitely a good move for me.

been with the same guy for going on three years.  still living together and still happy overall.  not that we don’t have our moments, but hey.  nothing’s perfect.

it’s funny…i can look over these past postings and while i have very clear memory of the hurt and anger and betrayal…i can’t remember what it’s like to feel consumed by them.  this…this is a very good thing.  sometimes i catch myself in thought and then have to go back and pull myself away.  you can’t live in the past.

you just can’t.

ah, yes.  on the verge of finally being a licensed driver again.  finally.  getting along very well with the ex-hubby and his wife…we all get together at least once a week or so and do dinner or just hang out…it’s great for the kiddo and not half bad for all of us, either.

i can see the hurt.  i can see it clearly.  but i don’t feel it so much anymore…

’bout fucking time.

I ain’t sayin’ that lookin’s a crime
I’ve done my share from time to time
It don’t mean that you got to take that leap
When you’re standin’ on the brink
Before you jump you gotta step back and think
There’s a price for every promise you don’t keep

some strange little part of me is happy for him.  obviously we weren’t as compatible as we’d thought.  better to find that out now.  as bitter as i still feel, i am glad he found happiness.  i don’t know why it had to happen like it did.  i don’t know why it couldn’t have been with me.  that was all i wanted for so many years.  i don’t know why he lied to me over and over and over and over and over again.  i’ll never know.  i know i didn’t deserve it.  not any of it.    he’s a prick and an ass and a very large part of me hates him and wants nothing but misery and unhappiness and every bad thing to come his way.

out of the strongest love comes the strongest hate.

yet a very small part of me that loved my friend is glad he is finally happy.

i fucking hate you, J.  be well.

but i do.

so it seems that they have made it official. well, better her than me…that’s for damned sure. i have the advantage of seeing how every relationship he’s had since his first wife has played out.

the short version? they all fall apart and end up hating him. i’m no exception.

it’s all sunshine and roses and then he fucks it up. i’m starting to wonder if D wasn’t the only smart one of us. that, and maybe M.

so i wish them luck. they’re going to need it. because really…a relationship founded on deceit and unfaithfulness…that couldn’t POSSIBLY end badly, could it?

this is not in anger, believe it or not.  I am going to take my own advice and remember that anger really only hurts the person who is lashing out.

yes, i was and am hurt.  i am getting nowhere by holding onto it, though.  it’s hard to let it go.  it’s gotten me through the worst of my depression and the feeling of being personally rejected.

the hard and cold fact is that we were not up to what it took – from either side – to make a long distance relationship work.  we just weren’t.  there is no point in placing blame at this stage in the game.  i still feel how i feel, but that’s all.  it changes nothing.

i want to look back on this past decade plus with more than this stinging resentment i have.  i think one day i’ll be able to, but that day is not today. 

i want to take a moment to tell you goodbye.  the you i knew, anyway.  it’s pretty obvious i don’t know you now, i suppose.  maybe i never did.  i don’t know and now it doesn’t matter.

i want to thank you for being there for me, when you were.  thank you for being my friend.  god, this is hard for me to do, but i believe it to be necessary.  thank you for making me laugh.  thank you for making me cry.  thank you for making me feel truly alive for awhile.  like all things, i guess it needed to come to an end.

i apologize for saying hurtful and hateful things.  i still stand by every one of them.  that doesn’t mean i should have said them.  i make no excuses. 

i don’t guess i’ll ever understand how you justified your actions to yourself.  the fact of the matter is that i don’t have to understand.  i’ve been trying so hard to understand that i’ve kept myself from accepting it and moving on.  i can’t continue that way anymore.  in order for me to have happiness in my life, and peace, and contentment, i have to move past it.  you made your decision for better or worse.

i will miss having you in my life.  i do miss having you in my life.  don’t make the mistake of thinking that i will ever allow you back in my life in any capacity, though.  i can’t stand that kind of hurt again. 

be happy.  be at peace.  i will do my best to stand by my resolve that i have today.  i can’t swear that i will succeed.  i may be nosy and want to know what is going on with you.  some days it may be out of malice, some days it may be just curiosity. 

i can’t forgive you today.  maybe one day i’ll be able to.  i am done hanging on, though. 

this is for me.

ya know what i say?

honestly, i don’t give a fuck.

You hurt me.  You hurt me so badly that I still, in some ways, want to make you hurt. 

When did I say it was finished?  And Black Hole, please don’t talk to me about hypocritical when you were nice to my face and then fucked my (then) fiancee.  A woman’s perogative and right is to change her mind.  After you hit puberty, you’ll understand.

DHMcB?  How did I know what you were doing?  Well, because unless you lied about that, too, you told me.  You may not remember, but at one point, you told me everything.

I was prepared to let all this go, finally, til you had to go and open your big fucking mouth.  Yes, it is quite true that nobody made me look any more than anyone will make you read this.  So now, I am angry all over again.

I understand quite well about compassion.  I understand grief as well.  Yes, we were friends for a long, long time, Black Hole.  So you will understand if I am a tiny bit bitter about that loss, especially when you are at least partially to blame.

I did have a thought yesterday, though.  A mature thought, even.  I wondered to myself when you and I will stop name calling and finger pointing and just accept that we were not up to that type of a relationship. I couldn’t stand the separation and you didn’t want to work for it.  So that made me needy and you angry.  Now I am angry.  You may recall that once driven to that point that I have a horrible temper. 

You can quite honestly think me psycho, bitter, whatever.  I am bitter as hell.  I am more bitter that you threw my friendship away than anything else. 

You can say I am twisting things and concocting lies and half truths or whatever it was you said.  I know what is true and so do you, if you’ll stop deluding yourself and be honest, even if it is with nobody but you.

Black hole, I hope you are watching very carefully.  In a matter of time, you will be me.  You will be the object of his anger and his hurtful words.  Every single relationship he has been in has ended badly.  Every single one.  Bear that in mind.  Not one has ended amicably.  It may be months or it may be years, but you will be me.  I just hope you remember that. 

Dickhead McBastardly, I forgot to note that you will be grown when, regardless of how immaturely I am acting, you don’t reply in kind.  You will be grown when you can own your actions.  I own every bit of what I do.  I own the baiting, I own the immaturity.  Because, for me, this is a phase.  For you, it is a way of life.

On another note, I never mentioned having a problem with either of you reading my blog.  So don’t get all paranoid and pissy when I return the favor.  Also, did you stop to remember that I am far from the only person here in this town that dislikes you?  Did you forget that I am not the only one who you pissed off?  It is a publicly accessible page, after all.  Don’t assume that every “nac” person that drops by is me.  Geez, paranoia much?  If it makes you feel better to log my every movement on your little blogs, then feel free.  I can drop you a line when I stop in, if it makes it that much easier for you to keep up with…no really, you don’t have to thank me.  I do it because I care.  *snOrt*

DH, I hope that one day you deal with your insecurities and your anger.  I hope you learn that some things in life are worth putting out a little bit of effort for.  I hope you stop blaming others for your circumstances and start taking responsibility.  In short, I hope you find some maturity.  Do take care, and feel free to drop by any time….

-Daughtry

 ”Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house

What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
Fell to far, was in way to deep
I guess I let you get the best of me

Well I never saw it coming
I should of started running
A long long time ago
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, More than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
from spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
The day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!

You took a hammer to these walls
dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say
When you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me

Well I never saw it coming
I should of started running
A long long time ago
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you More than you know
[Over You lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting better
And I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these these years
Putting my heart back together

Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you!

Well I never saw it coming
I should of started running
A long long time ago
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, More than you know

Well I never saw it coming
I should of started running
A long long time ago
And i never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, More than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting My heart back together

Oh Ooooooh!

Now I’m putting my heart back together!

oh Ooooooooh!

Cause I got over you!
I got over you!
I got over you!

Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you! “

oh wait, right.  that’s not gonna happen.  cause it was a bullshit threat.

*giggles*

btw, it’ll be over when you quit fucking looking to see if i’m writing about you.  *snOrt*

that one word is….”chicken”.

lol